suicide is not an option – 10

Ten

She didn’t regret it. She always wanted to do it. To die. Embrace death with open arms, the only thing left was the courage to do it. Now it came to her.

Drifting through the abyss of nothingness, she recalls why she wanted death, why she chose it over fighting and hoping for something more, for even a small change, she never had the courage after all, to live and enjoy life, to embrace it. Instead she chose failure and death. She quit. A lot of times she gave up. She always did. She never chose to fight, a coward until the very end.

As a child, she was forced to quit. To easily give up. She was somehow raised that way. In times of struggle, she always fought hard, only to end up being the loser of a game she was about to win. She was always the one to give in, even when she was on the right side. She was the one who is supposed to just give up and give in without having a fight to end conflicts, to just accept the situation, whatever it was. A poor little push over.

Her childhood was like that, at least inside her so called home. Outside, she was a bully, the kid who gets what she wants and orders people around, the leader of the gang, the head, the obvious leader to any organization or group. Her classmates would always elect her as the president and without another word, she would be.  Up until her grownup years, a leader, with minions on her side, who she always knew defies her, and she always end up doing the tasks her teammates were responsible for, like organizing events, promotions, and other petty things. She didn’t mind as long as the job gets done, and everything falls into place. She was never a team player, she liked doing things alone even group projects. Somehow she always liked being alone but never the thought of being lonely, she hated it, but it was always the opposite in her case.

People always thought and saw her as a friendly optimistic soul, they never saw the negativities inside of her. She always seemed happy and carefree, not a problem in her soul and even if she did have some, and it never showed in her, they never saw it. Thus her suicide came as a great shock to everyone who knew her. Except maybe some of her ‘closest’ friends and her diary who always saw the worst of her.

suicide is not an option – 9

Nine

Her suicide, even though it was something negative, imparted something positive in their life. They realized, what they had long forgotten, that life is precious, that we shouldn’t be wasting it with trivial things, that in one blink of an eye we might lose it. We can lose life, the same way we gained it.

Life has its ups and downs, and her life was full of downs, she was pessimistic. She never thought about all the positive things in her life, she was always looking at her flaws. She was long waiting for this build up inside her, for the courage to commit the crime she did.

Hours before her death, she was walking, thinking, smoking her cigarettes, she was lonely, she was staring at the horizon, looking at the now setting sun. Cool warm breeze makes her hair stray all over her face. The view of the sunset was perfect. A fusion of red, blue, orange, and violet clouds slowly covers the sun’s façade. Although feeling lonely, she felt calm, her nerves relaxed, her mind was empty. Nothing. She was numb. Smoking always made her tense muscles relax.

Before she even went to watch the sunset, she went to her coffee shop for her daily caffeine fix. She was with her so called friends, laughing with their obnoxious comments. She didn’t like them all, she hated them, deep inside her she wanted to be in a far away place, darkness.

 

suicide is not an option – 8

Eight

Her suicide wasn’t her only contact to death. She has encountered death many times before. Always given the chance to escape it. This time, she embraced death without it coming for her. She killed herself though she didn’t plot on doing it.

When she was four, they went swimming at Bagasbas Beach. She was at sea, knee-length water rushing through her legs; she was looking at the shore, her back facing the sea, she was looking at someone, her friend maybe, she wasn’t sure anymore, then her friend was point at her back, she was motioning her to look at her back, when she turned around, it was too late, a big wave came crashing to her, she felt its violence struck her, then she was gone, she thought she has drowned to death, her body felt heavy, weighing her down, in a split second which felt like eternity, she stood up, she was alive. Funny enough she was at the sea-shore by then. She really thought she was going to die with that big wave which swallowed her whole.

When she was six, she and her older sister would ride a tricycle to and from school. One day, she was thinking about of what if the tricycle has a bomb in it and there is only a few seconds left before it detonates, so she jumped from the tricycle while it was still running. She felt the tire pass her legs, but she wasn’t harmed, she incurred only small cuts and scratches from the incident. She didn’t die, she wasn’t even hospitalized. It was amazing how a little girl jumping off from a running tricycle had survived the incident. How ironic. Looking back, it was really funny and at the same time very stupid. Her older sister was reprimanded because she wasn’t taking care of her.

When she was in her teenage years, there were many car crashes she was involved with; she was traumatized with those experiences she never dared to drive a car. She had a driver, her driver who would always put her life in danger with all those car crashes. One particular car crash was with a big water truck, the truck hit them and didn’t stop, it dragged the car off the road and it almost fell over. Other times, when she was still practicing driving, there were a lot of instances where she almost had a car crush but with all the luck, the car crashes didn’t happened.

In her college years, she stayed in a dorm, enabling her to do all she can, go home whenever and whatever time she felt like it. There was a balcony in her dorm, where she would sometime smoke out of depression and stress, often times she would just go to the balcony to take some shots with her SLR. This particular incident she was leaning in the balcony taking shots of the road and the cars passing by, when she almost slipped from the balcony. Again, out of luck, she didn’t fall.

There where times when she was almost hit by vehicles while crossing the road. Other times, she would intently cross the road while some vehicles pass; she would dare them to hit her which often didn’t happen.

She dared life to kill her, to take her away from her misery, but death didn’t want to take her yet, there were a lot of things in store for her in the future. But she didn’t want that, she wanted to end it instantly, she didn’t even left a note to her loved ones before she left this world (did she even have a loved one?).

 

suicide is not an option – 7

Seven

Childhood: memories of the past long forgotten; a box full of memories that can either be thrown away or kept. Her box of memories where empty, simply because she didn’t want to remember, she didn’t want to get hurt by it. When something negative happens to her life, she instantly tries to forget it; it was her defense mechanism, forgetting everything that hurt her. That’s how she lived her life, carefree. She was good at it, no strings attached, no heartache, no problems.

At the office, lots of people bitch around her, she just lets them be, she doesn’t care anymore, she lost her sense of care long ago when she was a child, she became numb. She gave false expressions to everyone who ever knew her, even to herself. She didn’t show any feelings. Her feelings were monotonous, always the same smile everyday, the same routine, the same frown. She gave what they wanted to receive, she acted with the way which was expected of her, and she never defied the rules, always playing it safe.

The one thing that ever came close to her was herself who didn’t even knew her so well, her book of thoughts that was drowned with work, work, work, she didn’t know herself anymore.

Her book which never left its place for more than 2 years was inside her dresser covered by all her clothes. She used this book as a therapy, some way of relieving herself from the pain she always felt, a way of getting lost. She wrote all her thoughts in this book, poetries, short stories, lesson learned from past experiences and others. But after she had him, her boyfriend, she never got the chance to get it out, simply because she was happy with him, so she thought. She didn’t realize that she needed the book more than her boyfriend, that her boyfriend alone can’t help her, can’t support all her problems, he doesn’t even know that she has problems, he always thought that everything was fine, he was so insensitive. In those two years, she thought her boyfriend was the answer to all her problems, she thought she was the solution, she was blinded by what she felt, she lost herself in the process, she lost everything in exchange of him, in exchange of being close to him, in exchange for his time. She had a boyfriend who was a workaholic. The book, where this story came from is still in her dresser, she still looks at it. Still wonders when it will be discovered and who will discover it.

suicide is not an option – 6

Six

Her siblings who were in Palawan were informed about her death by her boyfriend. It was after the autopsy that he had the courage to tell her siblings about it. They couldn’t believe it at first, they thought it was just a horrible joke from her boyfriend, a prank made by their sibling and her boyfriend, but they were wrong. Everyone who didn’t believe her death was all wrong.

After accepting the fact that their sister was gone, they did the most common thing to do; they called the funeral and arranged her funeral service, called all the right people and informed them about her death.