lucky are the departed

i envy them

this life i have is of no use to me

i have nothing to offer

i have nothing to give

i live because God wants me to live

yet the purpose is still unknown to me

i lie awake every night wishing for death

for years i’ve yearned for it

i still do

i still ask why

why am i here?

why i’m still alive

i am of no use

and nobody seems to want to make use of me

all of them are controlling

wanting my life to be like what they want theirs to be

but that’s bullshit

you can force me to be like you

to be someone i’m not

you can force yourself to me

and i will never render myself to you

you say you care

but you never did

you’re just a control freak

you don’t want any scandals

and you never wanted me

you hate me

and i loathe you

don’t worry

i never wanted to be here in the first place

i don’t like me

i don’t want me

kill, kill, kill!

my end is so unclear

today, tomorrow, later

i do not know when will i break

i wish i had the courage

the strength to leave

to die with my own hands

a gift. a blessing



5 thoughts on “suicide

  1. Please don’t if this poem is realy about you… I know that life is really messed up sometimes. And I know that it can seem like it will never get better. But, it does, and it will. You may not see the light or feel the light right now. But you will eventually. Things will become clearer to you. You will understand why you are here and what your purpose is. Just give it some more time. Death would not be the answer, there is no way of changing it..
    Peace with in you

  2. My bestfriend of thirty years–from the time we were both in our early teens–took her life two-plus years ago. She was the most amazing, audacious, empathetic, beautiful,outrageous soul that I’d ever met. That many people had ever met. Sadly, she never saw herself that way. Oddly, I always thought she was the strong one and it would be me giving in to the pain. Her death inspired me to live, because it made me realize that there is always someone that loves you enough to give you a reason to keep moving ahead, and that if you go this person is going to be destroyed in ways that are unimaginable to you. My life has never been the same since this loss. I do understand. If you doubt that read the first few entries of my blog back in January when I started it and you’ll see that. Please tell me this was just poetry and not a cry for help.

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