suicide is not an option – 2

Two

She was floating in mid-air, staring at her lifeless body. Nothing, there wasn’t a hint of lamentation in her mind, in her actions; she knew she did the right thing, well, that’s what she thought.

After some hours of watching herself suspend, a flash back of her past came running through her veins, her entire body shivered, like rough winds, like roaring seas wanting to escape a cask long forgotten.

She remembered her childhood days, playing by herself, though she had two siblings, she played alone, always by herself, she didn’t want that, but that was always the case, her two siblings didn’t want to play with her, she was an outcast starting from her childhood.

In her elementary days, she used to play with boys her age, she used to sit with them, play all the games that they play, she didn’t play with dolls and stuff toys, when given a doll she would cut their heads off and play with their headless bodies, using the body as a bat and the head as the ball.

Her high school days were no different. She lost her first kiss with a dare, she didn’t care about protecting her body that much, she wanted to explore, yes, but she always played it safe, she thinks before doing any harsh and stupid stuffs.

Then she entered college, she had a girlfriend by then, it wasn’t important, it was a sudden mistake that she didn’t regret, she was always weak in saying no, she had no vigor for it. She always goes with the flow, she didn’t care, life was always like that, and she didn’t dare for options nor search for it.

After college, she had a successful career, a good boyfriend to top it all with, a career oriented boyfriend who doesn’t have the time for her, again, she didn’t complain, life was like that, right?

Often she would find herself thinking how cruel life is, how it was so indifferent, and how she always finds herself feeling hopeless and the only answer to her thoughts was suicide. But she didn’t dare, she knows life was too precious to waste. She lived, lived long enough to die, to commit suicide.

Her life wasn’t always negative, there were times she was happy, happy that her boyfriend loved her, happy that he had the time to meet up with her and have dinner, happy when her parents bought her a camera, happy she had what she wanted for that day, happy she graduated cum laude in spite of the fact that she could have been magna or summa, happy she did something her parents would be proud of, happy, happy, happy.

Then there were the times she felt so devastated, so hopeless she didn’t care anymore. When she got a grade of 1.5 when the highest grade was 4, when she got her parents so mad at her for some reasons she didn’t know why or that she didn’t care anymore, for being hated by most of the people in the firm where she works for, for having no friends at all, for feeling so insignificant and so useless.

What was the reason behind her suicide? She didn’t know herself; all she knows is that she didn’t regret it. She was stuck in limbo for all she knows.

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