suicide is not an option – 5

Five

The first person who learned about her death was her boyfriend, her boyfriend who didn’t know what to do after finding out her death, he has suffered a lost before – his first girlfriend who died with a heart disease – and he couldn’t believe her death, he simply didn’t want to accept it, he thought everything was going smoothly, he was about to propose marriage to her a day before her death. He blamed himself for her death, thinking that maybe he didn’t express his love to her that much. He simply didn’t accept her death, he didn’t want to believe. He blamed himself for her lost, thinking he has done something, or that he didn’t fully understand her, that if only he did then she wouldn’t commit suicide.

Her boyfriend of two years, she remembers their first meeting, she didn’t like him at all, he was just some ordinary guy whom she thought she wouldn’t fall for, she has seen all the negative aspects of him, and yet, she fell for him. She always wonders why she fell for him. Maybe it was only that instant that she has fallen in love with him then after that she was just too shy to say no to him. Or maybe it was the happiness he made her feel when she was with him. Or maybe she has fallen in love with the feeling of being in love. Even after death she still doesn’t know the reason behind their relationship. She still believes that he doesn’t love her, that he was just too kind to be with her, or that he was just happy being with her and that was the only reason behind their relationship. In those two years she only thought about herself as just being temporary in his life. She chose the end of their relationship. She chose death. She chose to be temporary in his life but at the same time, she chose to leave a mark, a scar in his life for him to forever bear. She hated him deep inside her; she hated him for neglecting her, for being selfish, for being so stubborn. She sees all his negative aspects but still she loved him so dearly. Until death, even beyond death, she was thinking of him.

Him, who was her boyfriend, what did he feel when he lost her? Did he felt relieved? Felt release from a prison for two years? But he was about to propose to her a day before her death right? What happened to that “a day”? Where did it go?  He was about to propose marriage but something came up. He wake up early for that special day, everything was going smoothly as he planned but then the company where he worked for called, saying they needed him for this particular project, that was the reason why he flew straight to Puerto Prinsesa Palawan, why he forgot to tell her that their date was cancelled, for him, work always came first, then his friends, then his family, then God. She wasn’t part of that ranking. He ranked her differently; it was as if she belonged to a different planet. He was a photographer for a multinational company, this was the break he was waiting for, and thus it was more important than proposing marriage to her. He thought there was always other days so he postponed it. But life was unpredictable. Life can come and go in an instant.

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